“May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.”

"This report is maybe 12-years-old. Parliament buried it, and it stayed buried till River dug it up. This is what they feared she knew. And they were right to fear because there's a whole universe of folk who are gonna know it, too. They're gonna see it. Somebody has to speak for these people. You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything I know this, they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, 10, they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people . . . better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave." ~ Captain Malcom Reynolds

Friday, January 21, 2022

Returnings... as I don't have a better word

 Back in a place this week I literally haven't been in almost 3 decades, but that seemed to form a transition in my life for a few years. 

I didn't grow up here. I never claimed it as "home". But, it was where I went from a boy (who thought otherwise) to a young man (who still had no clue). Where I had solidified my plans for how life would be, and who I would become.

I've literally lived two other full lives since I left this place, for good and bad. And, no spoiler necessary, neither were what I had planned. 

The thing is - I've blown off, and diminished, this location's influence on my life. To myself, more than anyone. Told them it was just a place. Told myself it was just a time. I actually think I believed it, until I showed up here.

Yes, landing today. Seeing familiar locations mixed with the growth of the years. Sitting in a hotel room looking down on places I walked in another world. Remembering people and times and thoughts and plans. It brought ghosts back I hadn't planned on. 

I can see him, looking back. Younger. (MUCH) fitter. With a longing in his eyes. Seeking that challenge - half of it based on a lie. Sure he had it figured out. 

I look at me now. Maybe not broken, but bent. A different... I can't say wisdom... but, knowledge as to what certain things come with. Less focused on proving myself and more on finding myself. 

My life hasn't gone where I thought it would back then - where I thought it *had* to, to be honest. And... that's ok. Honestly, I ended up a better man. Similarly, I can look back at who I was, and acknowledge the mistakes I made not only in my own life, but how I was with others.

It would be easy enough to write it off as nothing. Similarly as saying things move on. Or, I could get all maudlin and play the "what if?" game. 

Neither fits. 

There are ghosts walking tonight, as I sit on a balcony in a room I wouldn't have imagined back then. Not braggadico, just a fact.  Similarly, there's a longing for the young man I was, so much potential - some embraced, some thrown away. 

I'm not who I thought, or planned, or dreamed I had to be back then. I've screwed up a lot of things, and hurt people who deserved better. I've failed myself and those who gave me opportunities. Far of too often, I've chosen "easy" instead of "right". 

Yet, somehow, I've learned from this and grown. I'm FAR from perfect, or even decent. But, I'm working on it. I've found a niche which I am able to fill and excel in, and gotten to do and see things I never would have imagined those years ago. My wife and children aren't at all who I predicted, and are so much more amazing than I deserve. I've failed over and over again, and yet moved forward to good things. 

I'm not who I was then, and that's a good thing. I can walk here and lay some spirits to rest that I didn't know haunted me. 

And, I hope that young man can look forward and, even if he's confused, realize things turned out ok. 

Sunday, January 9, 2022

Story Seed

 This picture just gave me the smile of a thought. A person who becomes some vampire/undead/magically immortal being not in a search for power, or through some curse, or whatever. No, their sole motivation is they don't want to give up life until they have read *every* book in the library. 

Which, as new books come in, means they potentially will never move on...

Saturday, January 8, 2022

Hidden Treasures

Wrapped up my week with a 12-hour workday, driving to and from a location only to be unable to accomplish our task due to weather and logistics issues. So, slightly frustrating on that front. 

On the other hand, during the drive, for the first time in my life I had the opportunity to see a wolf running in the wild. 

Worth it. 

Monday, January 3, 2022

People in the World

 As part of my current job I do a LOT of travel, to all sorts of places around the country. This week is another of those. 

Which, of course, raises questions from those who haven't gone many places over the past 2 years - what's it like, how bad are the airline cancellations/hotel policies/local restrictions/whatever? Which has a myriad of answers, depending on where you go.

But, one thing I noticed today (and, to be honest, most every trip the past month). Big or small airport, commuter plane or jumbo, rental car company, restaurant or hotel chain - people out there are being decent, kind, and just genuinely nice and understanding and patient. I don't think I've run into a surly employee or manager in the past few months. 

It speaks well to human nature.

Sunday, January 2, 2022


 It's one thing to see early mornings when I must, in order to travel for work or do something pressing.

However, it's becoming tiresome to see them because my brain has decided the pre-dawn hours were lacking in activity...

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Starting a New Year

 Accomplishments so far:

- Managed to get back to sleep after the first three times the animals woke me up. Made it past 7 am. Major accomplishment.

- Another bag of things started for donations/disposal.

- 2 1/2 mile walk with the dog. 

Things I need to focus on:

- Actually write again, whether here or elsewhere.

- Refocus on health instead of excuses. 

- Come out of the work-from-home bubble and interact with the world more.