“May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.”


"This report is maybe 12-years-old. Parliament buried it, and it stayed buried till River dug it up. This is what they feared she knew. And they were right to fear because there's a whole universe of folk who are gonna know it, too. They're gonna see it. Somebody has to speak for these people. You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything I know this, they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, 10, they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people . . . better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave." ~ Captain Malcom Reynolds

Monday, March 1, 2010

Classic cop notes

Not mine but still worth sharing.

Things cops figure out....from experience on the job.


- The running speed of a Belgian Malinois is at least twice that of the
average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting bit.

- If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.

Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something. Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.

- If you get called to a 911 hang-up and a guy answers the door with a 9 month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally dialed it", he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.

- If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friends last name.

- If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but I get to see a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $20.

- If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don't need a warrant.

- If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.

- We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them.

- Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something 2) under the influence or 3) possessing some felony warrant out for them.

- If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don't believe your answer.

- If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation.

- Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do..." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance.

- EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between.

- Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers" and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.

- I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well enough to borrow their car. So should you. Unless they aren't really your cousin.

- "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen when I ask you where you work.

- No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot.

- If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not like foot pursuits.

- If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be".....I get very excited. it's like Christmas morning.

7 comments:

Front Porch Society said...

Love these! :)

Kate said...

Too funny! And, most of the people I went to high school with fit the description:) LOL!

Jenna said...

Crap... I DON'T know all my cousins last names (recent round of weddings in the family) - but since I never borrow their cars either, I suppose I'm safe.

Read these to my retired cop uncle - got solid "Yups" to each and a long pause followed by "It actually is BETTER than Christmas, sometimes."

Thanks for the giggle.

MJ said...

Hehehe. These are great! All so true...

K. Erickson said...

New follower here. I had a cop buddy who had a note hanging on the cage in his patrol car that said:

I am NOT racist.
I am NOT picking on you.
I did NOT do this to you.
I AM doing my job.
If you are back there
HANDCUFFED
and on your way to jail,
It is because YOU DID IT
and YOU EARNED IT.

Still makes me laugh.

TOTWTYTR said...

Except for the dog chewing on someone's arm, it's amazing how many of these apply to EMS.

On second thought...

KD5NRH said...

So what happens if I hand you a trash bag and tell you to at least make your search useful? :)

Oh, and keep an eye out for that darn Bluetooth headset I lost last year.