Tools Simply Explained

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, while they are in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:

(A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you have found this informative.

NSFW

I've had a "PTSD" type post percolating for a while now - stuff my wife & I have discussed, as well as others from my era... still not ripe enough for writing yet, but this comic does hit on one of the major issues of the differing perceptions we face...

Original unknown

Bad examples

Despite what he thinks, Derrick Saunders is not a cop - should not have been a cop - and I am embarrassed to think he ever represented law enforcement.

There is zero excuse for DUI, even less for triple digit speeding, and to have the audacity to then think that you were fired unfairly is beyond contempt.

And the fact that the police union there thinks he should be rehired speaks all I need to know about their organization.

Every time I get annoyed at someone who wants to speak bad about law enforcement I then read something like this which justifies the statements. All I can say is that you can rest assured the vast majority of us want nothing to do with such people, and loathe them more than you do.

For the cat people

If you've ever lived with one you'll understand!

SOPA

Larry says it better than I could.

Happy Anniversary

From a beginning so secret that the men involved didn't even know what they were volunteering for, to becoming one of the premier special operations forces in the world & a well-known name - the men with green faces have gone far beyond proving the concept of their original mandate.

Sea-floor to space, desert to jungle, in any environment around the world. I can think of no finer warriors I've had the privilege to work with & even though I didn't wear the trident, I'm honored to have spent time among them, and to call a number of them friends and brothers.

Hoo-yah gentlemen. Here's to your next 50.

and we're back...

So, for the past bit, police work has been quiet... no good stories or such to share...

Then, this past week I managed to have two of the "Momma Fargo" style head-banging-on-the-steering-wheel moments to remind me that I'm back at work.

The first was courtesy of some Federal counterparts, when we were out to do a dog & person bomb sweep before a VIP visit at one of our local airports. After we'd taken care of the buildings, the vehicles etc, the lead agent looks at me and says "So can you sweep the tarmac between here and where we're parking the plane please?" Said runway being as typically flat, level and clean of debris as any modern runway...

My partner and I both resisted the urge to simply look across the bare ground and say "Yep, cleared it." But trust me, it was an eye-rolling moment.

Then, this past weekend I worked another of our DUI patrols. Most of the night was slow & useless, due to the cold weather I think. Just before it was time to wrap everything up I managed to find mine though.

Our fun started with what I like to call the honesty game:

"So sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?"

"Me? Nothing."

"OK, you pretty much reek of alcohol, so let's try this again. How much did you have to drink?"

"Nothing," all said with eyes just about bleeding out of his head, and an inability to focus on anything at all.

*sigh*

So it's going to be one of those discussions I quickly deduce.

Then, looking at the center console I ask him, "What's in your glass there?" To which he gives me a vacant look, then before I can stop him picks it up and pours most of it out in the seat next to him...

After I get that issue stopped and resolved I ask him what the hell he was thinking. "Oh, I thought you wanted me to get rid of it."

The night continued much in that vein...

That reminds me - I need this on DVD still...

One of the joys of children