“May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.”


"This report is maybe 12-years-old. Parliament buried it, and it stayed buried till River dug it up. This is what they feared she knew. And they were right to fear because there's a whole universe of folk who are gonna know it, too. They're gonna see it. Somebody has to speak for these people. You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything I know this, they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, 10, they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people . . . better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave." ~ Captain Malcom Reynolds

Friday, December 2, 2011

Today's tale

Original source unknown, but it made me laugh:

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain
anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this.)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up
on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in
this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at
my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there
(a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while
I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult
to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down)
then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not
having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it,
it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope ..., and then
received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer
may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are
spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound,
a
deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight
range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no
Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my
feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that
having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally
imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many
other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the
big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and
I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my
head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's
momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me
across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that
there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility
for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a
slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the
feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer
would
bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ...... I reached up there to
grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites
you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide
off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit
bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you
may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and
pulled that rope loose.


That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their
hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an
animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get
away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always
been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that
there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer
may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong
and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in
the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they
do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying
there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So
now
I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope......to sort of even the odds!!


All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

8 comments:

Shepherd K said...

That reminds me of the one about the squirrel attacking the motorcyclist.

Rev. Paul said...

I don't know if it's true, but it certainly could be.

Gator Girl Tales said...

hahahaha!!! This is hilarious!!

Brigid said...

This was by far the biggest smile of the morning as I got caught up on blogs I'd not had time to visit for a while. Excellent!

MSgt B said...

I _ing peed!

RauĆ°bjorn said...

Pat McManus could scarecely do better.

randompawses said...

Too funny! (And Shepherd K, you're going to have to tell us that one, please, some of us haven't heard it.)

Shepherd K said...

Ask and you shall receive. Follow the link to the full "tail":

http://www.anti-squirrel.com/squirrel_attacks_biker.html